The main thing I've been thinking about is how I can't just take a day or two off work to rest up and get better. My job doesn't have sick days, and even if it did, it's not really a sick day since I'd still have to breastfeed Junia the entire time, change diapers, and make sure that Q gets fed. I'm a little jealous of Chuck and all other working people who can decide to stay home when they aren't feeling up to working. And I'm a little jealous that he can't just take off to help take care of me and the kids, too.
It's a hard cycle. It feels unfair and hard, and it's not very fun. Battling a headache while Junia pulls my hair while she's nursing, Q tries to fingerprint my eyeglasses, and little people cry in frustration is just plain old difficult.
So for the past three days we've spent the entire mornings (meaning from the time everyone gets up
I'll admit that this morning has been particularly difficult, and I'm in an especially pouty mood right now. Aside from being sick physically, I'm home sick for my family. Last weekend Chuck and I were having breakfast at the table and we were chatting about a little bit of everything, and I mentioned something about going home to visit our families this summer, and it was then that we realized we had had a miscommunication and I was talking about this coming summer (2015) and that Chuck has been talking about next next summer (2016). It was a hard realization that I've been planning on seeing my family in 6 months, but instead it's going to be 18 months. Needless to say, that Sunday was a super hard day for me.
This morning, Timehop reminded me that exactly a year ago today I was in the kitchen making granola bars to take on our trip back to Maryland and Kentucky to go visit our families. It's already been a year since I've seen my mom, brothers and sisters, and any of my friends back east.
And it's hard knowing that I won't get to see them again for another year and a half. Qoheleth will be 3 years old, and Junia will be 2. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that my family hasn't even meet my daughter, and won't until she's a toddler.
In the mix of all this, is the realization that I need to handle these emotions and feelings correctly. There's a lot of thing in the balance here. Chuck works hard for our family, to make sure we are provided for and comfortable. If I choose to have a bad attitude about this, it has the potential to make Chuck feel like he is not doing a good enough job taking care of me. He has a lot of weight on his shoulders! He seeks to make me happy to matter what, and I know that when he sees me sad or unhappy, he will do everything in his power to fix it.
I'm a selfish person. And I like getting what I want.
On Sunday when I realized that we were talking about different summers, he was ready to go back to our budget and try to figure out some sort of way to make it possible for us to get back this summer. And this is after he's spent countless hours these past couple weeks getting our finances organized and designing an entirely new budget for us to follow this year. He was willing to redo all this work just to see if he could make my desires become reality!
Another thing that is in the balance here are my children. If I am sulky they are going to sense it and pick up on it. As a Christian, that is not what I want my defining aura to be. I'm their example, and even further, I'm the example of Christ that they are most exposed to, so I want to be careful to not let the small things (even though they might seem big in the moment) to become the defining factor of how I act. All that matters is the exact moment that are currently living. Only this second. And after this second is done, then the next second. And now this second. I don't want my example to my children to be one of a sulky, sad mother who is upset because she didn't get her way. I also don't want them to see me as a person who can't handle disappointment.
Now that's not to say that there is not a place for being sad and disappointed. There certainly is! And those emotions that I was feeling on Sunday, and am still feeling today are completely valid. I just don't want to let them define me.
And another thing that is in the balance is my personal well being. There is nothing I can do about not being able to travel back east this summer. But there is something I can do about the way I decide to handle it. And it is really not easy for me to decide to have a good attitude about it, and to try to find the happy parts, and this morning especially I'm struggling with this, but it is what it is. It is really important for my personal well being, my relationship with Chuck, with my kids, and with God that I make an effort to try to see the positive side of this and to not sulk about just because I'm disappointed.
So here's to me telling you what I'm having a hard time with right now. Here's to me resolving to handle this well, and to be sure I'm validating my feelings while at the same time deciding to try to find the happy parts in the hard parts.
Moving 3,000 miles across the country has been a great adventure. I loving living in the pacific northwest. In fact, I can say with absolute sureness that there is nowhere else I'd want to live! I really really love it here. The hardest part has been not being able to see my family and friends when I want, especially when I am homesick for them. People say it gets better with time, but I'm not sure.
There are other things that are causing me to be concerned too, but those things don't matter. All that matters is the moment we are living in. Not the past, not the future. Only the here and now.
In other news, I've started wearing my glasses more. My eyesight is getting progressively worse, and while I don't think glasses look good on me, it's become a bit of a necessity. Kinda sucks, but whatevs.
Live in the moment coram Deo!